Emotions & Empaths

Feelings. Sometimes the word scares people. Oh no, that person has feelings! Judgment. They’re too “emotional.” Some people say that emotions scare them or that they can’t handle emotions. I’ve heard others described as too “emotional.” But what does that really mean? 

It speaks of not being able to handle the emotions within ourselves, first and foremost. If we can’t process our own emotions, how can we handle the emotions of others? Always look to yourself first. Learn to process your own emotions by not judging your emotions. Acknowledge them, feel them, let them flow, release them and let them go. When you do this for yourself, you can release fear of others’ emotions. 

Keep in mind that emotions of others are often not expressed to us in a state of unconditional love – they come with strings, expectations and an effort to mold us into what someone else wants. It is not accepting of who and what we are. It seeks to change us. As a result, we can become trained to expect emotions and feelings to come with all that other “stuff” – and that feels bad. True emotion and feelings, when shared without all the added “stuff” -  stories and attachments - is such a beautiful gift to share with someone.

But if you’ve never had that, how else are you going to react? What else are you going to expect? Experiencing unconditional love is quite a powerful experience – experiencing what it feels like is pretty incredible stuff.

The emotions of others may be expressed in an effort to manipulate us, to change us, to get us to be or do what someone else wants. “I will only love you if…” Experiencing emotions from others in this way makes it more difficult to trust in the idea of unconditional love and cleanly expressed emotions. Maybe you’ve never even had that experience. Or maybe you’re experiencing it for the first time.

Yet much of the fear and inability to handle emotions is really from the feelings inside yourself that you fear to face. What will you see if you look within, if you acknowledge your own feelings and let them out? What have you not yet processed and healed inside of yourself? What betrayal, hurt or loss are you masking and holding on to? What are you using to stop yourself from feeling again as a buffer to keep the pain from happening again? What story are you creating about that betrayal and pain? What are you making it mean in your life?

It makes me think of cognitive behavior therapy and experiments with rats – if you keep getting shocked over and over, you expect the same thing to happen again. It becomes automatic as an initial response. You no longer respond, you react. Sometimes it’s subconscious, and you don’t even know you’re doing it. You react.

As an empath, I have the privilege, and yes, sometimes the burden, of being able to “read between the lines” and see, hear, know and feel what the other person is feeling on a subconscious level. It makes me a great friend. It is also an awesome skill in business - especially advocacy and coalition building! - and in coaching. The challenge is being able to separate yourself from what you pick up from others. It is being able to see it and feel it all, yet still respond to the person on the surface of what they are saying. It is being able to meet them with where they are at, with what they acknowledge to themselves – not with all the feelings and things they can’t see yet themselves.

What do you fear? What are you making it mean that someone else is expressing their emotions and sharing their feelings with you? How are you receiving those feelings? Is it with a clear vessel, or is there other gunk in there clogging up the works and stopping the clean flow of emotion and feeling? Others are a mirror for us and our own emotions. What makes you uncomfortable in that mirror?

When others have feelings for us or about us and share their feelings, it can be scary. It is the story we create around it that is the issue. Emotions in and of themselves are healthy, beautiful and powerful. They can be intense, and that’s o.k. too. Things can be felt deeply. We can be moved. We can move mountains. 

When you’re an empath like I am, it’s even more so. Then when you put two empaths together, the energy spirals. It is an amazing thing. You feel your emotions, you feel the emotions of the other person, and you feel the other person feeling your emotions and get that back. Likewise, the other person feels what you’re feeling, and they feel their own feelings back that you’re feeling of their feelings, and so on. It’s like a circuit where the energy increases as it goes around and spirals up.

That connection is palpable. It is somewhat akin to the idea Dion Fortune talked about in psychic channeling work. She said that when working with someone else who has the same skills, it’s like having a battery added to the mix. She routinely worked with a partner in doing the work. Spiritual workers through time often work with a partner, particularly a spouse or partner due to that increased connection. It increases and amps up the frequency and power of the work.

It also reminds me of the infinite reflection of mirrors within mirrors, an incredible spiraling dance. Having awareness of it is important, and when are a clear vessel, the sky is the limit to the heights you can reach together in stable flight. It reminds me of Eagle. Eagle is an animal ally and the highest expression of my sun t sign Scorpio.

Emotions are positive, even the ones where we’re sad or mad. Those emotions or feeling states are healthy too – it’s o.k. The idea is not to stop ever having those feelings again or to stop them up and end the flow. Let them flow cleanly. Don’t judge yourself for being sad or mad. Feel your feelings, do not attach to them and let them go.

Some have trouble doing that. There were times in my life where the intensity of being an empath was something I didn’t understand. Where I did not have discernment of what were my feelings and what were other than me or outside of me. Having that discernment years ago made a huge life shift for me, and I’ve been able to pass that on to others. As yourself, “is this mine or is this other?”

Emotions can become unhealthy when we use our emotions and the power of our words to hurt someone else. To make them change. To manipulate them to do what we want – “I will only love you if…” To use our love with conditions – I won’t love you or I won’t be your friend unless you do what I want, unless you change this, unless you bend to my will.

Emotions are unhealthy when we make our life or our feelings dependent on what someone else does or says. Wanting companionship and support, it is beautiful. When we take that to a standpoint of need of the level of neediness, it becomes unhealthy – “I will only be o.k. if she does this. Or, “I will only be o.k. if he does that.” That is attachment.

You can still be happy. You can still want it. But you are o.k. with yourself and with the other person the way they are. You don’t need them to change, and you don’t need yourself to change, to be o.k. and to be happy in your life. That level of need is not love. It doesn’t leave room for free choice, for following ones true will and for having respect and unconditional love for that other person. It also does not have respect for nor love for yourself. As within so without.

Unconditional love allows for the expression of feelings, sharing and showing healthy emotions and feelings, and that allows for intimacy between two people – be they friends, family, colleagues, romantic relationships, etc. 

Unconditional love is a powerful thing and is non-judgment and detachment.   If you’re in any type of a relationship with another person, the idea of “detachment” doesn’t mean that you don’t care. Quite the contrary. It is not detachment from the standpoint of not having feelings. Instead, detachment is having love without conditions. It is having complete respect and value for the other person. It is all about respect.

Detachment is…I love you for who you are without seeking to change you. I don’t need you to fulfill my expectations. I am not attached to you. I just want to share my love with you. I want to share my love for myself, for everything around me, and for you…just the way I am and just the way you are.  To experience total acceptance for who you are, to be appreciated and loved for who you are, with no conditions is the most incredible gift to receive. In my life I’ve had this from family and dear friends. We respect each other’s yes and no.   

Does this mean that everything in life or in a friendship or any type of relationship is automatically easy? Of course not. Does it mean that there is never sadness or pain? No. But it does mean the pain is “clean” pain and not dirty pain with all our stories added into it, creating more suffering for ourselves and others.

We seek understanding, and we have respect for all of creation. We do not make assumptions, we do not take things personally, we use our word impeccably, and we always do our best in each situation and in each moment. (Yes, The Four Agreements, with much love and gratitude to don Miguel Ruiz and his family.

Does this mean that we accept everything and everyone into our lives? No. It doesn’t. Sometimes my no may not work with your yes, and vice versa, and that’s o.k. It’s not personal. Unconditional love does not mean unconditional boundaries. We can honor our boundaries and what is healthy for us while still holding that space of unconditional love.

That is magic.